Infidelity

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Infidelity is a violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of an intimate relationship, which constitutes a significant breach of faith or a betrayal of core shared values with which the integrity of the relationship is defined. In common use, it describes an act of unfaithfulness to one’s husband, wife, or lover, whether sexual or non-sexual in nature.

There are two areas in a close relationship where infidelity mostly occurs: physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. Infidelity is not just about sex outside the relationship, but about trust, betrayal lying and disloyalty.^[1]

Sexual infidelity refers to sexual activity with someone other than the partner one is committed to. Sexual infidelity in marriage is called adultery, philandery or an affair and in other interpersonal relationships it may be called cheating. A man whose wife has committed adultery is referred to as a cuckold, but no equivalent word exists for a woman whose partner has cheated.^[2]

What constitutes an act of infidelity varies between and within cultures and depends also on the type of relationship that exists between people. Even within an open relationship, infidelity may arise if a partner to the relationship acts outside of the understood boundaries of the relationship. (See Blumstein.)

What may be acceptable for some couples may be unacceptable for others. Similarly, what is tolerable for one partner in a relationship may be intolerable for the other partner. For instance, is it infidelity if your partner is attracted to someone outside the marriage — but never acts on it? Is an emotional connection without physical intimacy infidelity? What about online relationships? If your partner is regularly chatting intimately with another person online, is that infidelity? ^[3]

Emotional Infidelity refers to emotional involvement with another person, which leads one’s partner to channel emotional resources such as romantic love, time, and attention to someone else.^[4]. With the association of multi-user dimensions the level of intimate involvement has extended from in-person involvement to online affairs.

Contents 1 Incidence of infidelity 1.1 Problems with Infidelity Research 2 Infidelity at work 3 Infidelity in the Military 4 Different Types of Infidelity 5 Make up or Breakup 6 See also 7 References 7.1 Bibliography 7.2 Notes

[edit] Incidence of infidelity

Some researchers say there's a 50-50 chance today that one partner will have an affair during a marriage; that includes non-physical relationships. ^[5] Some authorities (for example Frank Pittman in 'Grow Up' Golden Books) observe infidelity is involved in 90% of first time divorces. A 1997 study with Kristina Gordon found 'more than half of the marriages that experience infidelity ended in divorce'.

27% of people who reported being happy in marriage admitted to having an affair.^[6]

In a recent survey of 16,000 university students in 53 countries, 20% of long term relationships began when one or both partners were involved with someone else.^[7] Studies suggest that around 30% to 40% of dating relationships and 40% to 60% of marriages are marked by at least one incident of sexual infidelity. Men are more likely than women to have a sexual affair, regardless of whether or not they are in a married or dating relationship.^[8]

By contrast John Gottman with his 35 years of research into marriage,^[9] is reported as saying "Only 20 percent of divorces are caused by an affair.^[10] Most marriages die with a whimper, as people turn away from one another, slowly growing apart." ^[11]

Fifty United Kingdom divorce lawyers were asked to name the most common causes of their cases in 2003. Of those who cited extramarital affairs, 55% said it was usually the husbands and 45% said that it was the wives who cheated.^[12]

Gay men are more likely than lesbians to commit sexual infidelity. Study by Blumstein and Schwartz (1983) showed that 82% of gay male couples reported having nonmonogamous relationships, while lesbian couples reported 28%. Rates among older women tripled from 5% in 1991 to 15% in 2006; rates among men rose from 20% to 28%. About 20% of younger men and 15% of younger women say they cheated, up from about 15% and 12%, respectively. ^[13] Infidelity studies show that extramarital sex occurs in up to 25% of heterosexual marriages in the USA, according to Adrian low, a Michigan State University professor who is a marriage and family therapist. ^[14]

Children can be witnesses to an affair and outcomes of an affair. Between 10-15% of children are conceived as a result of an affair.^{[citation needed]}In 2003 more than 3,000 DNA paternity tests were commissioned by Australian men. In almost a quarter of those cases, the test revealed that 'their' child had been fathered by someone else. In 30% of paternity tests commissioned by suspecting fathers and performed at the American Association of Blood Banks in the year 2000, the father was not the true biological parent. ^[15]

Infidelity that does not involve sex or conception may be referred to as a romantic friendship or an emotional affair. Some people consider virtual sex, which is an on-line relationship, as infidelity.

In some jurisdictions an extramarital affair may incur unexpected financial costs. In Australia, for example, affairs of two or more years duration can be deemed a de-facto relationship, exposing the married cheater to financial claims in the Family Court on their superannuation savings, income and property. A de-facto relationship may exist even when the partners do not think so. It is the Court that will define when it began and ended, based on the evidence. ^[16]

[edit] Problems with Infidelity Research

David Atkins, a research associate professor at the University of Washington in Seattle, outlined the problems researchers face in getting accurate information on the subject. Responses to the survey question "Have you ever had sex with someone other than your spouse while you were married?" aren't clear-cut, he said. "The first thing we have to grapple with is honesty. We know that is a significant issue," he said, explaining that research published last year found that some won't admit infidelity in person but will anonymously. Also, some people interpret sex as intercourse and others don't, he said. The most reliable data, researchers say, comes from that question posed in the nationally representative General Social Survey, a face-to-face interview. Atkins' new study of trends over a 15-year period from 1991 to 2006 in which 19,065 people participated found that infidelity rates were climbing among certain age groups: those 60 and older and those 35 and younger. ^[17]

[edit] Infidelity at work

An office romance, work romance, or corporate affair is a romance that occurs between two people who work together in the same office, work location, or business.

Adulterous office romances are widely considered to be unhelpful to business and work relationships, but while boss-subordinate relationships are banned in 90% of companies with written policies about office romance, companies cannot ban adultery. In all but a handful of states, such regulations would run afoul of laws prohibiting discrimination on the basis of marital status. Nonetheless, firings often occur on the basis of charges of inappropriate office conduct.^[18]

"Business travel creates an opportunity to cheat away from prying eyes," says infidelity expert Ruth Houston, author of Is he Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs. Academics and therapists say cheating is probably more prevalent on the road than close to home. The protection of the road offers a secret life of romance far from spouses or partners. Their affairs range from one-night stands to relationships that last for years. They're usually with a co-worker, a business associate or someone they encounter often during repeat visits to a city. ^[19]

[edit] Infidelity in the Military

The divorce rate among soldiers increased in 2007 as military marriages suffered continuing stress from America's two wars. An estimated 10,200 failed marriages in the active duty Army and 3077 among Marines were recorded in the budget year that ended September 30. That is a divorce rate of 3.5 per cent among more than 287,000 married troops in the Army, up from 3.3 per cent in the previous financial year, according to Defense Department figures. "With increasing demands placed on Army families and soldiers, including frequent deployments and relocations, intimate relationships are tested," said Army spokesman Paul Boyce. ^[20] The spouses left behind also find it difficult to be separated from the military member while he or she is deployed and seek comfort; emotionally, intimately, and physically.

[edit] Different Types of Infidelity

For every case of infidelity, each serves a different purpose. Being able to justify the behavior of a spouse and define it will lessen some of the confusion. There are five categories of infidelity. These include: opportunistic infidelity, obligatory infidelity, romantic infidelity, conflicted romantic infidelity, and commemorative infidelity. Opportunistic infidelity occurs when a partner is in love and attached to a spouse, but surrenders to their sexual desire for someone else. This is driven by situational circumstances or opportunity and risk-taking behavior. Obligatory infidelity is based on fear, a fear that refraining from someone’s sexual advances will result in rejection. Some people end up cheating solely on the need for approval, even though they may still hold a strong attraction to their spouse. Romantic infidelity occurs when the cheater is, so to speak, falling out of love with his/her spouse. Their commitment to the marriage is what is most likely keeping them with their spouse. Conflicted romantic infidelity takes place when a person falls in love and has a strong sexual desire for multiple people at one time. Although there is the idea of one true love, it is possible to have a strong love attraction to more than one person at the same time. Commemorative infidelity occurs when a person has completely fell out of love with their spouse, but is still in a committed relationship with them. These are all categories and reason to which a spouse would cheat or have the notion to do so. ^[21]

[edit] Make up or Breakup

This article has been nominated to be checked for its neutrality. Discussion of this nomination can be found on the talk page. (June 2009)

Divorce doesn't have to be the inevitable resolution to marital infidelity. With couple's therapy or counseling, time to heal and the mutual goal of rebuilding the relationship, some couples emerge from infidelity with a stronger and more honest relationship than before. Relationship counseling can help put an affair into perspective, explore underlying relationship problems, learn how to rebuild and strengthen a relationship, and avoid divorce — if that's the mutual goal.

Marriage counseling is generally provided by licensed therapists or clinical psychologists known as couple, marriage or family therapists (see family therapy and emotionally focused therapy). These therapists provide the same mental health services as other therapists, but with a specific focus — a couple's relationship. ^[22]

Relationship counseling typically brings partners together for joint sessions. The counselor or therapist helps couples pinpoint and understand the sources of their conflicts and try to resolve them. Partners evaluate both the good and bad parts of their relationship.

Not every relationship touched by infidelity can or should be saved and divorce in some cases, can seem inevitable. Sometimes an attachment wound has occurred and this is sometimes irreparable. Sometimes both partners aren't committed to repair. Painful as it is, it's important to acknowledge when this is the case.

[edit] See also

• Crime of passion

[edit] References

[edit] Bibliography

• Peter Fox Clinical Psychologist, articles on impact of affairs of all types
• Clinical Psychologist, how to mend a broken relationship
• Clinical Psychologist, how to end a relationship
• Mathews, J. "Dating a Married Man: Memoirs from the "Other Women". 2008.ISBN 1440450048
• For Your Marriage, The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops
• NORC at the University of Chicago
• Moultrup, David J. (1990). Husbands, Wives & Lovers . New York: Guilford Press.
• Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1992). Justifications for extramarital relationships: The association between attitudes, behaviors, and gender. Journal of Sex Research 29, 361-387.
• Pittman, F. (1989). Private Lies . New York: W. W. Norton Co.
• Rubin, A. M., & Adams, J. R. (1986). Outcomes of sexually open marriages. Journal of Sex Research, 22, 311-319.
• Vaughan, P. (1989). The Monogamy Myth. New York: New Market Press.
• Langley, Michelle (2005) Women's Infidelity. St. Louis: McCarlan Publishing [5]
• Blow, Adrian J.; Hartnett, Kelley (April 2005). "Infidelity in Committed Relationships II: A Substantive Review". Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (Washington, D.C.: American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy) 31 (2). ISSN 0194-472x. http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3658/is_200504/ai_n13641677. 
• Blow, Adrian J.; Hartnett, Kelley (April 2005). "Infidelity in Committed Relationships I: A Methodological Review". Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (Washington, D.C.: American Associaton for Marriage and Family Therapy) 31 (2). ISSN 0194-472x. http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3658/is_200504/ai_n13641667. 
• Beyond Betrayal: Life After Infidelity
• Adult attachment and patterns of extradyadic involvement Family Process, Dec 2004 by Elizabeth S. Allen, Donald H. Baucom
• AN INTEGRATIVE INTERVENTION FOR PROMOTING RECOVERY FROM EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, April 2004 by Gordon, Kristina Coop, Baucom, Donald H, Snyder, Douglas K
• Treating infidelity: Therapeutic dilemmas and effective strategies Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, October 2004 by Ward, David B
• Managing Infidelity: A Cross-Cultural Perspective by Anne Buckmaster, William Jankowiak, M. Diane Nell; Ethnology, Vol. 41, PART 1, pages 85–100 2002
• Extensive summary linked to detailed articles on impact of infidelity written by Clinical Psychologist
• The late Shirley Glass' web site with free article and quizzes
• Office Mate: The Employee Handbook for Finding--and Managing--Romance on the Job, by Stephanie Losee and Helaine Olen, chapters 12 and 14
• ANTICIPATION OF MARITAL DISSOLUTION AS A CONSEQUENCE OF SPOUSAL INFIDELITY
• Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn by Jennifer Harley Chalmers, Ph.D.
• Professor Kristina Gordon's research into infidelity and betrayal
• Fidelity versus infidelity defined in a research project
• Cybersex and Infidelity Online: Implications for Evaluation and Treatment by Kimberly S. Young, Alvin Cooper, Eric Griffiths-Shelley, James O'Mara, and Jennifer Buchanan Paper Published in Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 7(10, 59-74, 2000

[edit] Notes